December Dilemma

        As we enter the month of December, I am faced with a painfully familiar dilemma. Buy into the 'Happy Holidays' crap, or take another route. Care to take a guess which one its going to be?

       Sometimes it's necessary to do things you don't really want to. Usually in order to make others happy or avoid conflict, and unless you're a complete ass you're going to come upon times when you have to put others before yourself. For some people it's not a matter of having to, you want to, or its just how you are, and if that's the case, Bravo for you! Get yourself a cookie, you deserve it.

       It is (generally) best to not be an ass, and try not to completely offend people (at least if you're not doing it in a funny way) otherwise you risk becoming 'Persona Non Grata'. Welcome to the real world, losers, you don't actually get to address every one as 'losers'. Go figure. However, there comes a point, when we cross the line of not being a douche, to being politically correct. The former is necessary (most of the time) in order to live in civilized society, the latter is part of what's wrong with the world. It's the differences between not using the 'C' and 'N' words or parking in a handicapped spot when you're not handicapped, and saying "Happy Holidays" because you don't want to offend anyone. NEWS FLASH: the world is offensive, LIFE is offensive. November through January are no exception.

       The point of this is, I will not be saying 'Happy Holidays', fuck that noise. Most of my friends and family are Christian, or at least, celebrate Christmas, so to them I will say, "Merry Christmas" to my Jewish folk I will say "Happy Hanukkah". If I see someone out in public wearing a blinking LED sweater with a fucking Santa Clause on it, I'm going to use my observation and sherlocky investigative skills to figure out that they probably celebrate Christmas. Want to guess what I'm going to say?
"Oh, you have to say 'Happy Holidays', because we don't want to offend anyone"

     You know whats offensive? The assumption that I (and the majority of non-losers) are such  mamby-pamby cry Babies and so insecure in our faith (or lack there there of) that we will be offended if some random guy in a Dashiki says 'Joyous Kwanzaa' instead of 'Happy Holidays'. Do you know what I would say? "I'm sure it is.That is a lovely Dashiki you have there" and then maybe we would talk about the weather. Since, chances are, we're both human beings. I would personally be thrilled that someone wants to say something positive to me.

      I would rather stand on the street corner and yell at random people "Fuck you, sir or madame, I can't tell which, fuck you in your soul!" than be forced by some twisted sense of social obligation to not offend people. 'Happy Holidays' is offensive, and no, I will not call your dog a "Canine American". People are ridiculous. I hereby take a vow to not say 'Happy Holidays' or refer to December as the 'Holiday Season' I would much sooner say "Have a dandy December".

      I'm not refusing to say 'Happy Holidays' just to be pissy, although I'll admit its a bonus. I'm doing this because my grandparents grew up saying 'Merry Christmas' and no body fucking died from it. If you get all offended as a Christian because someone says "Happy Hanukkah!" to you, or as a Jew because someone says "Merry Christmas!", or as a whitie because a black person says "Joyous Kwanzaa!" you need to get over yourself. There are starving people all over the world, including in your own fucking neighborhood. There are people with cancer. People who are killed for what they believe in. In parts of Africa it is now an offense punishable by death to be homosexual, with all that going on in the world, (not to mention the countless other things) it is super pathetic for someone to get upset or pissy because someone else wants to say something positive to them. 

That's offensive.

 

 

 

 

                                      

 

 

Chicken Shoes

          During my Post-Thanksgiving-Sinus-Infection two main things happened, I almost fucking died, despite what my mother says. What the hell does she know? She's only been in health care for almost twice as long as I've been alive.
Second, I had to take a Benadryl Sudafed combo, which apparently makes me just a little stupid.

Heres the math:

Sudafed(a little weird) + Benadryl(fucking stupid and giggly)= express train to crazy town

See, math.

 

At some point during the crazyness, I had a hysterical giggle fit of the idea of "chickens in shoes" I mean, I laughed while managing to gasp out "chickens. in. shoes!" for about five minutes. Not to mention the clucking noises. Afterward I googled "chickens in shoes" expecting a drawing or maybe an actual chicken stuffed into an actual shoe, and what did I find? Fucking chicken shoes. Like shoes for chickens. Neoprene chicken booties to be exact.

See, I wasn't kidding.

 I have been around chickens, my Aunt and Uncle had them when I was growing up, and I can think of a number of things that most chickens need, but not fucking shoes! For reals? The company that makes these particular shoes is called "party fowl"(on etsy). The fuck? This is whats wrong with the world people; kids getting trophies just for participating, oil speculation, war, religious extremism, and fucking chickens in shoes!
 I have a four pound Chihuahua and I put her in clothes all the time, I feel like that's different, for so many reasons. For one, she's cold. For two I don't eat Chihuahua. Which begs the questions, do people who put fucking shoes on their chickens eat chicken? Are they keeping them as pets? HIPPIES!!! Chickens can't be outside when it's raining because they will look up at the rain with their fucking mouths open and fucking die. If that happens are you going to lay Senior Clucky to rest in his dress neoprene booties, or does he want to be buried with his boots on?  Who the fuck is going to go through the trouble of catching and holding down a chicken and putting fucking shoes on it? They have claws. Do these people put shoes on the rooster too? That would be fucking hilarious to watch. Do these shoes come with a pair of safety goggles, rubbing alcohol and steri strips to treat the wounds when you get your ass kicked by a chicken? "oh, Bob what happened to you?" "I was putting shoes on the chicken and got my ass handed to me by something without thumbs. It's ok though,  I like the eye patch and I've always wanted to be a pirate. Please, call me Patchy" Who the fuck keeps a chicken as a pet? It's probably easier to name the bag of nuggets. There are actually shirts and bumper stickers that say "I love my pet chickens", fucking google that shit right now. The safe comfortable days of the crazy cat lady are gone with the wind. It's easy to bribe a cat, tuna, cat-nip, cocaine, but what the fuck do you bribe a chicken with? I have even more justification for carrying a collapsiable batton now. "fucking rouge chickens, that why."

  Is that a fucking chicken is a yellow sweater vest you ask? Yup, sure is. THEY CAN'T EVEN FLY! A flightless bird. Does it get any more useless? Nope. Do you see the talons on that thing? Now try putting fucking shoes on it! Why does a chicken need a sweater? Someone explain it to me! Where did all these crazy people come from? So what happens when grandma makes those atrocious Christmas sweaters? Does Senior Clucky get one too? Does it light up or will the lights scare him and make him shit him self? Do people who keep chickens as pets keep the in the house? They fucking shit everywhere, they're noisy, and they make a horrible mess. They're basically children with less potential for flight.

Whats next? Goats in scarves!?

at least goats can jump, and there is the possibility that the scarf is made out of his/her own hair.





Now, I'm sure that there was a time that is was totally insane to put a bulldog in a sweater vest too, and I see your point, but that is socially acceptable now. Chicken clothing is not going to happen. Chickens are not going to be the new Labradoodle. Don't try and make it happen. Do you really want to look back ten years from now and be the guy that tried to get Wal-Mart to sell chicken ties, and cuff links, I imagine not. The main reason that this isn't going to work is no matter how much you love Senior Clucky, fried chicken, and teriyaki chicken, (and basically any chicken that isn't overcooked to the point of being dry, or undercooked to the point of being deadly) is awesome. Chickens are weird and dumb and in order to breed chickens you have to have a rooster and roosters are fucking assholes. Or a turkey baster (although in this case a chicken baster) and if you're artificially inseminating your chickens thats fucking disturbing. Worse than chicken shoes. Also where the fuck are you getting the rooster sperm? Is there a bank for that?Probably in the mid-west. "wanna go watch the game tonight Patchy? Ya, know, with your good eye?"  "nope, I've got to artificially inseminate my chickens" the fuck? Patchy is a weird ass guy. I think the main difference between clothing goats and chickens is that goats have facial expressions, and personalities besides rabid, aggressive, stupid and is it asleep or dead? Let's be clear, I think it's pretty dumb to dress up goats too.

 

UNICORNS & GLITTER

 

Thanksgiving

          It is now November 26th and I feel that I have recovered from thanksgiving, both the pie and the family interaction. Also, at 11:30 Thanksgiving night I was attacked by a freak sinus infection.

       The day before, after making four loafs of Fucking Amazing Challah (which is what I'm calling it now), I curled up in my bed, side ways, (I can do that, being so short) and started watching stuff On Demand. After about four Thanksgiving themed episodes I found myself horrified of what was to come, in need of zanex, and pissed that I'm allergic to benzos so I can't take zanex.

       The next day I walked through Grandma's door very carefully, aware that I could at any moment be assaulted with unwelcome, and completely inappropriate questions. The family was spilt in two this year and I was the only single person of breeding age. I was prepared for "soooo, do you have a boyfriend" in that high pitched voice indicating that you don't have enough fulfilment in your own life so you have to nose into mine, I would have responded with a cool "yes, but his wife doesn't know", deadpan...Wouldn't that have been fantastic? I think so. (Let's be clear, I'm not dating a married man. Not cool.) But, alas, everything was quiet, maybe my 19 years of not answering any questions seriously finally payed off. I was left alone. I was relieved, and it was super pleasant and my love/sex life didn't come up once!

This year I'm grateful for many things, but to help narrow it down, here's a list, with just some of the things...

• The Men and Women in our armed forces who spent their Thanksgiving in Iraq and Afghanistan
• That there is no alcohol at my family's get-togethers
• That I will never have to say "President Romney"
• Spanx
• Gay men
• Semi-Automatic Weapons
• Rope
• Bleach
• Unicorns
• Glitter
• Benadryl
• That my dog has never once eaten a dictionary
• Heat
• Burt's Bees
• Babies
• My family, even though they're nuts