Chicken Shoes

          During my Post-Thanksgiving-Sinus-Infection two main things happened, I almost fucking died, despite what my mother says. What the hell does she know? She's only been in health care for almost twice as long as I've been alive.
Second, I had to take a Benadryl Sudafed combo, which apparently makes me just a little stupid.

Heres the math:

Sudafed(a little weird) + Benadryl(fucking stupid and giggly)= express train to crazy town

See, math.

 

At some point during the crazyness, I had a hysterical giggle fit of the idea of "chickens in shoes" I mean, I laughed while managing to gasp out "chickens. in. shoes!" for about five minutes. Not to mention the clucking noises. Afterward I googled "chickens in shoes" expecting a drawing or maybe an actual chicken stuffed into an actual shoe, and what did I find? Fucking chicken shoes. Like shoes for chickens. Neoprene chicken booties to be exact.

See, I wasn't kidding.

 I have been around chickens, my Aunt and Uncle had them when I was growing up, and I can think of a number of things that most chickens need, but not fucking shoes! For reals? The company that makes these particular shoes is called "party fowl"(on etsy). The fuck? This is whats wrong with the world people; kids getting trophies just for participating, oil speculation, war, religious extremism, and fucking chickens in shoes!
 I have a four pound Chihuahua and I put her in clothes all the time, I feel like that's different, for so many reasons. For one, she's cold. For two I don't eat Chihuahua. Which begs the questions, do people who put fucking shoes on their chickens eat chicken? Are they keeping them as pets? HIPPIES!!! Chickens can't be outside when it's raining because they will look up at the rain with their fucking mouths open and fucking die. If that happens are you going to lay Senior Clucky to rest in his dress neoprene booties, or does he want to be buried with his boots on?  Who the fuck is going to go through the trouble of catching and holding down a chicken and putting fucking shoes on it? They have claws. Do these people put shoes on the rooster too? That would be fucking hilarious to watch. Do these shoes come with a pair of safety goggles, rubbing alcohol and steri strips to treat the wounds when you get your ass kicked by a chicken? "oh, Bob what happened to you?" "I was putting shoes on the chicken and got my ass handed to me by something without thumbs. It's ok though,  I like the eye patch and I've always wanted to be a pirate. Please, call me Patchy" Who the fuck keeps a chicken as a pet? It's probably easier to name the bag of nuggets. There are actually shirts and bumper stickers that say "I love my pet chickens", fucking google that shit right now. The safe comfortable days of the crazy cat lady are gone with the wind. It's easy to bribe a cat, tuna, cat-nip, cocaine, but what the fuck do you bribe a chicken with? I have even more justification for carrying a collapsiable batton now. "fucking rouge chickens, that why."

  Is that a fucking chicken is a yellow sweater vest you ask? Yup, sure is. THEY CAN'T EVEN FLY! A flightless bird. Does it get any more useless? Nope. Do you see the talons on that thing? Now try putting fucking shoes on it! Why does a chicken need a sweater? Someone explain it to me! Where did all these crazy people come from? So what happens when grandma makes those atrocious Christmas sweaters? Does Senior Clucky get one too? Does it light up or will the lights scare him and make him shit him self? Do people who keep chickens as pets keep the in the house? They fucking shit everywhere, they're noisy, and they make a horrible mess. They're basically children with less potential for flight.

Whats next? Goats in scarves!?

at least goats can jump, and there is the possibility that the scarf is made out of his/her own hair.





Now, I'm sure that there was a time that is was totally insane to put a bulldog in a sweater vest too, and I see your point, but that is socially acceptable now. Chicken clothing is not going to happen. Chickens are not going to be the new Labradoodle. Don't try and make it happen. Do you really want to look back ten years from now and be the guy that tried to get Wal-Mart to sell chicken ties, and cuff links, I imagine not. The main reason that this isn't going to work is no matter how much you love Senior Clucky, fried chicken, and teriyaki chicken, (and basically any chicken that isn't overcooked to the point of being dry, or undercooked to the point of being deadly) is awesome. Chickens are weird and dumb and in order to breed chickens you have to have a rooster and roosters are fucking assholes. Or a turkey baster (although in this case a chicken baster) and if you're artificially inseminating your chickens thats fucking disturbing. Worse than chicken shoes. Also where the fuck are you getting the rooster sperm? Is there a bank for that?Probably in the mid-west. "wanna go watch the game tonight Patchy? Ya, know, with your good eye?"  "nope, I've got to artificially inseminate my chickens" the fuck? Patchy is a weird ass guy. I think the main difference between clothing goats and chickens is that goats have facial expressions, and personalities besides rabid, aggressive, stupid and is it asleep or dead? Let's be clear, I think it's pretty dumb to dress up goats too.

 

UNICORNS & GLITTER